Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
