I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
