i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Randomize
