WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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