normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
