He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
