you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
