I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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