Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
