Pants 0. Shit 1.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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