if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
