Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
