who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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