yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
