and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
