is your mom at the bar?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
