then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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