i jhust puked up my retainher.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
