Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
