My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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