dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
