What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
