just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
