Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
