Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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