make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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