Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
