i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
