why didn't you poke me back
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
