Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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