Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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