So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just got carded by a ten year old.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
