He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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