Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
