You're a womanizer and a bitch.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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