last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
