I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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