we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
