Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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