dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
