mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
