At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
