I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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