Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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