you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
