OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
She has the best kind of daddy issues
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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