The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
