Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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