Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
