true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
where are you?
Hypothermia
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
