im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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