Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
