Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
