I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
